Where I've Been, Part II: The Obligatory Queer Backstory

OK, now back to the past after a little reflection on Good Friday.  I think I like this pattern of talking about the past then the present.  Here we go..

Post about "Where I've Been" wouldn't be complete for any queer person without posting the obligatory "when I knew" and "when I came out" and.... well, you get the picture.  People do often ask me "When did you know you were gay (a lesbian, queer, or whatever)?"  And often they are surprised when I tell them just how young I was when I "knew."

I was in First or Second Grade at the time.  I remember laying in my bed and flipping through my school yearbook, returning again and again to the same girl.  She was a year older.  We played soccer together. (This would soon become a trend in my life). She had glasses; I wanted glasses.  It was rather innocent.  Some girls kiss a boy on the playground in kindergarten; I just realized one day that it was a girl I wanted to kiss on the playground instead. People think Sexuality is all about Sex, but just like straight kids at that age it wasn't.  It was just, well, innocent puppy love.

As I lay there, flipping through that yearbook, coming again and again back to her, I stopped, shut the book, and thought to myself, "well $#*!...I'm Gay."  Some people deny it or fight it... others are uncomfortable with it.  I wasn't.  I never had a second thought about whether or not it was "OK." Everything I knew about God and faith at the time never gave me any indication or idea that being gay was "bad."  Hmm...Whats that they say? "and a child shall lead them."

I was young enough that I hadn't been exposed fully to the "reasons" people didn't like gay people.  I just knew that they didn't.  I figured they were like African Americans were in years past- that people were prejudice, but with no real reason. In my naive young mind it was just a matter of time before people accepted gay folks too.  I didn't realize that racism still exists, even if not as bad as it once was. I didn't realize it wasn't that simple. I just remember realizing I was gay, and that my next thought was, "well, this is going to be hard. people won't like me."  I knew that I was now a minority, though I didn't know the term "minority"at the time.  Having grown up in Birmingham, Alabama, the heart of the Civil Rights Movement, I just knew that people held prejudices, and that sometimes it took time and a fight to over come those prejudices. I knew that that was still the case for gay people, and I knew that until I was older I best keep this to myself.

As I got older, I discovered just why I had the impulse to keep things to myself.

I played on church sports teams for several years- all along the way frequently getting in trouble for profanity, often getting lectures about being a lady, and usually having to run laps for being the team clown or loosing my temper. What can I say, I was a bit rough around the edges as a kid.  It was not the most pleasant experience, as I generally felt like a bad person every time I was there. Sometimes I would get witnessed to after practice, which always confused me. I never understood why they kept asking me if I was a Christian, what did they think I was Hindu or something? I mean I know didn't go to church very often... if ever,  but my Parents were Christians, and I had grown up hearing the Christian story.  I hadn't heard that whole "born again" thing yet. Despite this, I stuck with it through all the crazy times.

The soccer team I played for got pretty serious, and we began to travel for tournaments and attend camps in the summers.  One summer, we went to a camp out of town for a week. It was around 6th grade I think.  I was getting tired of keeping my feelings bottled up and I started testing the waters with hypothetical questions to my teammates.  One day I sat in my room with one teammate, the girl I had my first real crush on.  She was among the evangelical Christians on the team.   She began asking me what was bothering me, and if it had to do with any of the hypothetical questions I was asking.  I said yes.  Then she asked me if it was the question “what would you do if your friend had a crush on you?” I froze. I couldn’t lie. Part of me wanted to tell her, to tell anyone, but knowing i knew she wouldn't react well.

“That’s it isn’t it?” she said.
“I didn’t say yes!” I snapped back.
“But you didn’t say no... so that means yes!”
A million thoughts filled my head as I paused for what felt like an eternity. I knew that she knew and I could not hide. I was afraid of what might happen next.  Still, I wanted to tell someone, so I nodded my head.  My heart pounded in my chest and my eyes filled up with tears, fearing the worst.

Needless to say, she freaked out. She told me it was wrong, unnatural and sin.  I pleaded with her not to tell anyone, which she reluctantly agreed to after I begged. I only remember her saying the words, “don’t ever talk to me about this again” as she walked out the door.  I jumped in bed and pulled the pillow over my face and played hooky for the next practice as a laid in my bed and cried.  I finished that week at camp- it was the last thing the team did before taking a break for the summer. When the team came back together for the fall season I was informed that she wasn’t coming back.

So that was the first person I told... It hurt, but you keep going.  my Journey continued, through many more twist and turns to bring me where I am today... stay tuned ;)